If you’re in charge of a corporate newsletter or outreach tool, either internally or externally, you have a valuable opportunity to provide your customers with beneficial information — so don’t insult them by peddling junk. In this delightful column by Steve Crescenzo, which I’m reposting in full from Ragan.com, he calls out one of America’s top condescenders advice givers:

Here at C.R.A.P. Central (Corporate Rhetoric Awards Program), we search far and wide to find the worst examples of corporate communication out there. And usually, we find at least two pieces of organizational feces to talk about.

This time, however, we are focusing on just one. Why? Because it is so bad that we need to stay laser focused on it. It’s so insidious, we’re petrified other editors might see it and be tempted to do something similar to fill space in their own publications.

And we can’t have that. So here we go, with what might be the worst C.R.A.P. ever.

You’ve all seen the “Dr. Phil” show, right? Well, if you haven’t, here’s an in-depth description of him:

He’s a jerk.

Oh, you need more? Okay … he’s bossy. He thinks he knows it all. He loves to tell people how to live their lives. He’s a hypocrite, in that he writes books about how to lose weight, and yells at people to lose weight … and yet he’s fat.

(I can call him fat, because I’m fat, too. It’s like how black rappers are able to use the "n" word.)

This C.R.A.P. award goes to an editor who … this is so hard for me to say … quotes Dr. Phil in her publication. That’s right. As if this half-shaved ape isn’t all over the media to begin with, now employees at this company also have to read his "advice" in the employee publication.

Here is the headline above the story where Dr. Phil makes his appearance; we changed the name of the company to protect the guilty:

XYZ Corp Trainer Loses Big on National Television

The trainer, it seems, is one of those sad souls who actually went on Dr. Phil, and let the bad doctor carp at him for being overweight. Now, the story has a nice ending for the trainer, because he lost 30 pounds (29 pounds of fat and one pound of self-esteem for going on national TV and admitting he’s a hog who needs Dr. Phil to help him lose weight).

But the story has a horrific ending for the other employees of the company, who a) have to read this boring article; and b) are subjected to a sidebar of "healthy tips for eating in a restaurant," courtesy of … you guessed it, Dr. Fatso himself.

And of course, Dr. Phil’s tips are asinine and patronizing. Here are some of them, along with our comments:

• "Have clear soup, or a salad with lite dressing." Clear soup? What the hell is clear soup? Broth? Like the crap you get in the hospital after an emergency appendectomy? Thanks, Phil. Thanks for nothing. And by the way, those "lite" dressings are loaded with sugar. Maybe that’s why you’re so fat.
• "Either skip an appetizer, or order two appetizers in place of an entree." Okay, Phil. I’ll have the bacon-stuffed oysters with hollandaise sauce appetizer, and the deep fried buffalo wings with blue-cheese dressing appetizer, instead of the Caesar salad entree. Idiot.
• "Ask questions and be assertive with the wait staff." Can you even imagine how many waiters have spit in his food? Only Dr. Tub of Lard would tell you to be bossy with waiters to lose weight.
• "Plan your order ahead of time, based on prior consumption." I don’t even know what the hell that means! Plan your order ahead of time? How? Call the restaurant and be assertive with whoever answers the phone? Make them recite the menu to you?
• "No starches. No fats, oils, or sauces. Refuse a breadbasket unless it contains whole-wheat bread." Whew. Fathead doesn’t make it easy, does he? We can’t eat the bread, and we can’t eat anything with starch, fat, oil, or sauce. It would seem that Phil wants us to eat the actual menu, or the paper napkins.

Of course, the problem is not so much Dr. Phil’s stupid tips that he himself obviously can’t even follow. A lot of publications carry patronizing "life tips" that readers can and do ignore. What really got C.R.A.P. Central’s dander up is the concept of running a sidebar of tips from a talk show!

We’re scared to death that this might become a trend. Can you imagine?

Tips from “The Jerry Springer Show”: "What to do when you find out your transvestite husband is having an affair with your father, who is a paraplegic dwarf."

Tips from “The Oprah Winfrey Show ”: "If you are having self esteem problems, just start your own magazine, name it after yourself, then put yourself on every single cover, after paying designers thousands of dollars to airbrush all the fat off you so you look like Beyonce instead of Rerun from the TV show, ‘What’s Happening.’ If that doesn’t work, start your own network!”

Tips from “The Glenn Beck Show”: “Keep a knitting needle between your knees when you sit at corporate meetings. Whenever you want to appear passionate about a topic and win people over, covertly take the needle and jam it into your thigh, until the tears run down your face.”

Here’s a solid piece of advice that, unlike Dr. Phil’s nonsense, you can actually follow: Daytime talk show hosts pander to, and exploit, the simpletons in this country—the people H.L. Mencken used to call "The Booboisee."

Give your readers more credit than that.

Back in September, there were reports of Will Ferrell running around Terre Haute.

The actor, famous for his starring roles in “Elf,” “Talladega Nights” and “Anchorman” (his signoff phrase as a news anchor: “You stay classy, San Diego”), was seen by residents and local media wearing a cheesy polo shirt, khaki shorts, tube socks and sandals (yikes) and standing in the middle of a busy city intersection with a small camera crew.

It was rumored at the time that he seemed to be carrying around a can and was potentially shooting a commercial of some kind – though details were vague at best.

Finally, if you live in the Terre Haute viewing area, you’re likely to see the result of Ferrell’s antics at the intersection of Wabash and Seventh streets and along the railroad tracks near 10th and Ohio streets (there are two commercials).

In one commercial posted here on YouTube, Ferrell waxes philosophical for a few seconds on being in the Crossroads of America and then proceeds to crack open a frosty cold Old Milwaukee brew. In the other,  you can see him walking along a railroad track going on about rusty trampolines before popping open the beverage.

The Terre Haute Tribune-Star reported that the ads were Ferrell’s idea and were produced by his web site, FunnyorDie.com (beware: probably salty language), Ferrell reportedly shot three commercials in Davenport, Iowa and at least two in Terre Haute. For now, the newspaper reports, the commercials will only be aired in the markets where they were shot – but you can watch them online no matter where you live.

If you’re in the professional world long enough, odds are pretty high that you will have to make at least a few speeches. While some people tense at the thought of public speaking, others take to it like ducks to water. However, the real keys are organizing your thoughts and practicing.

Regardless of your comfort level, one frequent challenge for everyone is making the speech interesting and engaging. We all know that business topics can be a little dry and crammed with information. The question is how to take what may be a dull topic and turn it into an attention-getter.

In its e-newsletter for communicators, Ragan recently offered five good tips to follow and featured a video of a speech that embodied this approach.

The speaker:

1. Began with a story
2. Created the framework for his talk
3. Took his time
4. Gave the audience a roadmap of what to expect
5. Didn’t rely on PowerPoint

Can you bear to look at bare kitchen cabinets?

Right now, you’re either wondering where in the world I’m going with this blog or you’re nodding your head knowingly at my use of homonyms. I was inspired to pen that fun (at least, I think it’s fun!) bear vs. bare sentence after receiving an amusing e-mail from a colleague about how confusing the English language can be.

I admit it! I love words and the stories they tell – whether it’s through prose in a book, lyrics in a song or verses in a poem. It’s similar in the business world. The words we use (and the way we present them) share a story about our organization. And no matter where we work or what we do, we want our communications to be professional and error free.

Below, I’ve included a few of my favorite sentences from my co-worker’s e-mail. Even if you’re not a grammar buff like me, you may find the information entertaining – and useful!

• The bandage was wound around the wound.
• The farm was used to produce produce.
• The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
• The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
• Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
• When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
• There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
• A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
• Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.
• I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

Chances are there is a military veteran in your family or you know one. Today, as I was reflecting on the tremendous sacrifices these men and women have made for all of us, I decided to learn more about the holiday itself, which was first called Armistice Day.

I came across a Washington Post article that offers some background and traditions as well as some powerful numbers on veterans, courtesy of the U.S. Census Bureau:

• In 1954, the holiday became known as Veterans Day when President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed legislation making it so in order to honor veterans of all U.S. wars.

• In 1921, the United States laid to rest the remains of a World War I American soldier — his name “known but to God” – in Arlington National Cemetery in Virginia on a hillside overlooking Washington, D.C. It became known as the “Tomb of the Unknown Soldier” and was meant to symbolize reverence for the American veteran. Today it is known as the “Tomb of the Unknowns.”

• At the Tomb of the Unknowns in Arlington Cemetery, at 11 a.m. each Nov. 11, a color guard composed of members of each of the military branches renders honors to America’s war dead. The U.S. president or a representative places a wreath at the tomb and a bugler sounds taps.

Veterans
21.8 million – The number of military veterans in the United States in 2010.
1.6 million –The number of female veterans in 2010.
2.4 million – The number of black veterans in 2010.
9 million – The number of veterans 65 and older in 2010. At the other end of the age spectrum, 1.7 million were younger than 35.

When They Served
7.6 million – Number of Vietnam-era veterans in 2010. Thirty-five percent of all living veterans served during this time (1964-1975). In addition, 4.8 million served during the Gulf War (representing service from Aug. 2, 1990, to present); 2.1 million in World War II (1941-1945); 2.6 million in the Korean War (1950-1953); and 5.5 million in peacetime only.

49,500 – Number of living veterans in 2010 who served during the Vietnam era and both Gulf War eras and no other period. Other living veterans in 2010 who served during three wars:

• 54,000 served during World War II, the Korean War and the Vietnam era.

 

Living veterans in 2010 who served during two wars and no other period:

• 837,000 served during both Gulf War eras.

• 211,000 served during both the Korean War and the Vietnam era.

• 147,000 served during both World War II and the Korean War.

 

Standing in line at Starbucks last week waiting to order my beloved iced tea, a colorful barista board caught my eye. Written upon it was a short, but sweet message – “Indulge in the comforts of fall” – and it struck something in me.

Have I been squandering opportunities to experience Autumn’s simple pleasures this year? Unfortunately, the answer is yes. But, the good news is that there’s plenty of time left to enjoy them.

Eating caramel apples (hold the nuts); roasting marshmallows; raking (and playing in) crisp, crunchy leaves – these are among my cherished childhood memories. I don’t know about you, but I’ll never outgrow these cherished childhood traditions.

Fall also reminds me of Halloween, scary movies and exhibits, spooky tales and haunted houses (just don’t invite me to go with you. The last time I went to a haunted house, I nearly had a heart attack I was so terrified).

Another way to savor fall is to take advantage of outdoor activities. Hay rides, hikes, scenic road trips and visits to apple orchards or pumpkin patches, for instance, hold a special allure before winter descends (perish the thought).

There’s an especially sweet “treat” that comes with your pursuit of fall activities: a boost for Indiana’s businesses.

Oscar Moralez of StepStone Angels & Business Partners talks about the importance of mitigating risks associated with angel investing. Check out the full story in BizVoice magazine.